This journal is officially shut down. Come visit me at the LJ!

*muAh*

 

The quintessential quote that's really reflective of my life over the past 2 years:

"We may not always be as happy as you always dreamed we'd be, but for once, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are."

from Garden State, of course.

 

Not that I actually like The New York Times > Obituaries > Jacques Derrida, Abstruse Theorist, but it's so strange to see him move into the world of dead philosophers...

 

hair is grey and the fires are burning; so many dreams on the shelf. you say i wanted you to be proud of me, i always wanted that myself

Jesus Christ. Looking back over the past twenty years... mostly the past two years, since those have been the ones where I've made the most decisions and [consequently?] the ones with the most intense ups and downs, there's not a whole lot I regret, cuz honestly, I really don't know what I could have differently. Because today, I can stand up and say that I'm proud of who I am. That's the result of a lot of hard work, between burying myself in all the literature I could get my hands on, diving into Jewish Meditation, and everything else I've did in the second half of summer... I like being able to say that I'm proud of myself. It makes me happy.

So, I'm not sure why someone's dumb sarcastic remark bothered me so much. But... it did. For all my growth, I'm so unconfident...

Okay, I'm doing my chem lab. I'm over it, and I'm homeworking. Homeworking. Homeworking. God this is going to bug me all day... homeworking.

mood: pissed off and lightheaded
music: Tori - Winter

 

angelina


What Amazing Woman Are You Most Like?
brought to you by Quizilla

 

Oh, and a little shallowness... my skin looks like crap, and I'm running low on a lot of my products... so YAY I GET TO GO FACE SHOPPING SOON!

:D

if someone wants to come, holler. I'm thinking Pru... maybe Sunday or Monady. we shall see =)

 

Okay. we're not going to talk about how terrible this week has been because (1) no one really wants to hear anyone else bitch about school work; (2) I really can't allow myself to bitch about my friends and co-staffers here because it's just not a good thing to do; and (3) it just wouldn't be pleasant for me to write it out. So, we're gonna move on.

Watched the presidential debates, because that's how sexy my Friday nights are... yup, I chose my politics nerdiness over fratting. It's so interesting to see how my politics have evolved along with the rest of me over the past year or so... yeah. Yay for long weekends... no classes on Monday. I can't express how fantastic this is, because for the past three or four weekends, I've felt do overwhelmed by school work and I've gone into every Sunday afternoon just wishing that I had another day to work before my first class of the week. So, this should be nice... not relaxing, but catching up on my work should make life a little easier further down the line.

I'm worried about my econ project, and about my Washington interview. I'm looking forward to the cuteness that is Hug A HP, Get A Kiss day on Wednesday. I'm abso-fucking-lutely thrilled about my dad coming to see me next weekend. I'm also happy about my dad being super-understanding about me having a lot of work to do... I'm happy about all the people who've been supportive of me, because not everyone has been. I'm strangely happy about not having a social life and burying myself into my school work and my leadership to find out who I am and who I can be.

mood: tired, as usual
music: Indigo Girls - Least Complicated

 

from the list on Amber's LJ, I have...

[x] Bought everyone in the pub a drink [x] Climbed a mountain [x] Said 'I love you' and meant it [x] Hugged a tree [x] Done a striptease [x] Visited Paris. [x] Watched a lightning storm at sea. [x] Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise. [x] Gone to a huge sports game. [x] Slept under the stars [x] Changed a baby's diaper [x] Watched a meteor shower [x] Gotten drunk on champagne [x] Looked up at the night sky through a telescope [x] Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment [x] Had a food fight [x] Taken a sick day when you're not ill [x] Asked out a stranger [x] Had a snowball fight [x] Screamed as loudly as you possibly can [x] Acted out a favorite fantasy [x] Taken a midnight skinny dip [x] Taken an ice cold bathshower [x] Seen a total eclipse [x] Ridden a roller coaster [x] Fit three weeks miraculously into three days [x] Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking [x] Adopted an accent for an entire day [x] Visited the birthplace of your ancestors [x] Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment [x] Had two hard drives for your computer [x] Loved your job for all accounts [x] Taken care of someone who was shit faced [x] Had enough money to be truly satisfied [x] Had amazing friends [x] Danced with a stranger in a foreign country [x] Taken a road-trip [x] Rock climbing [x] Lied to foreign government's official in that country [x] Midnight walk on the beach [x] Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love [x] Milked a cow [x] Alphabetized your records [x] Pretended to be a superhero [x] Sung karaoke [x] Kissed in the rain [x] Played in the rain [x] Done something you should regret, but don't regret it [x] Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog [x] Fallen in love and not had your heart broken [x] Toured ancient sites [x] Taken a martial arts class [x] Crashed a party [x] Loved someone you shouldn't have [x] Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy [x] Made cookies from scratch [x] Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on [x] Got flowers for no reason [x] Masturbated in a public place [x] Got so drunk you don't remember anything [x] Been addicted to some form of illegal drug [x] Performed on stage [x] Been to Las Vegas. [x] Had a one-night stand [x] Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off [x] Been on a cruise ship [x] Spoken more than one language fluently [x] Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone [x] Bounced a check [x] Read - and understood - your credit report [x] Created and named your own constellation of stars [x] Found out something significant that your ancestors did [x] Called or written your Congress person [x] Picked up and moved to another city to just start over [x] ...more than once? [x] Walked the Golden Gate Bridge [x] Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking [x] Held someone while they were having a flashback [x] Had a flashback [x] Broken someone's heart [x] Driven any land vehicle at a speed of 100mph or faster [x] Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol [x] Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild [x] Ridden a horse [x] Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing [x] Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours [x] Eaten sushi
[x] Had your picture in the newspaper [today, no less] [x] Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime [x] Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about [x] Changed your name [x] Read The Iliad [x] Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read [x] Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt [x] Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language [x] Had a booth at a street fair [x] Dyed your hair [x] Think to myself that I'm living my dream.

I want to walk the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa. Hit a home run. Backpack in Europe. Visit Ireland. Visit the Great Wall of China. Ride a gondola in Venice. Visit more foreign countries than U.S. states [currently at eleven states, seven countries]. Visit all 7 continents. Be elected to public office. Write my own computer language.

mood: not happy
music: Indigo Girls

 

oh hell yeah. i love my how's and my rd, as the meeting that should have been hellish and painful only lasted for half an hour. and i love laying the smackdown. it's so much fun.

=)

mood: tired and kinda out of it
music: tori amos /winter

 

Oh yes. last night was special. Anns went to CVS.

Anns: excuse me?
Male Pharmacist: yes?
Anns: where do you have Midol?
Male Pharmacist: huh?
Anns: where do you have Midol?
Male Pharmacist: what?
Anns: MI-DOL.
Male Pharmacist: like... for sleep?
Anns: *narrows eyes into the death glare* *slowly, clearly, and loudly* MIDOL. for PRE MENSTRUAL SYNDROME, like CRAMPS and MOOD SWINGS.
Male Pharmacist: *shrinks behind counter* oh. um. feminine products. 7a.
Anns: *flashes sweet smile* thanks!

Clearly, this has been a lovely week. Fuck off.

 

You KNOW you're from Silicon Valley/Bay Area when...

You get the same off-color email joke from 17 people in the same hour, and one of them is your wife. [well, my mom/dad. yeah, check.]

Your "personal shopper" has become engaged to your "career coach". [no, but I did work as a personal shopper for a few hours this summer...]

You know that "taking the Nerd Bird" means you're flying to L.A ... for the 3rd time in a week. [yes, and I know many people who have.]

You have a daughter named Meg and a son named URL.

You bought stock in Starbucks just for the free chocolate-covered coffee beans. [ha. i know people who have.]

Almost all of the companies featured on your resume are no longer in business. [true for, like, everyone i'm related to.]

Your combined household income is $140,000 and you can't afford shoes for the kids [not my fault i like nice shoes ;)]

Your commute time is 45 minutes and you live 8 miles away.

You live an hour or more from the office so that you can afford a larger house. [true]

You spend more time in your office and car than in your house. [so true for me this summer and last]

You stop asking how much things cost, but instead ask "how long will it take?" [troooo]

Two-thirds of the people you know are from Boston or New York, but you are living in PST. [lol. this is why summer drives me mad :P]

You know vast differences difference between Thai, Vietnemese, Chinese, Japanese, Cantonese, and Korean food. [well, DUH.]

Your home computer contains mostly hardware/software that is not on the consumer market yet. [true.]

You go to "The City" on weekends but don't live there because you like your car. [true.]

You think that "I'm going to Fry's" is an acceptable excuse to leave the office for a while, and your boss does too. [true. in fact, on weekends, you whine and beg to get your dad to take you to fry's for fun.]

You take your out-of-town friends to see the techie gadgets at Fry's. But you don't let them buy anything.

You know how to recognize re-sealed returned electronics at Fry's. [duh.]

You don't ask the staff any questions at Fry's. You know they hire idiots and pass the savings on to you. [and they think *i'm* the dumb blonde. it's kinda fun to play with them and then make them realize they're really really stupid... yes i have nerdiness contests at fry's for fun =)]

You lost your alarm clock, but you'll get to work when you get there. [*so* me- and everyone else at IW- this summer]

You go to an industrial-heavy-metal bar and see two guys get into a fight over what flavor of Unix is better.

You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have hardware/software companies printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff. [true. i think i have at least four or five here in swelles.]

You know where Woz Way, Resistor Avenue, and Floppy Drive are located. [please. I've WORKED on woz way.]

You know who and where Woz is. [duh.]

You know that 280 North goes west and that 680 North goes east. [AND you take 280 north because its the scenic drive]

It rained ... and your birdbath fell over ... or your tree fell over ... or a utility pole fell over. [the tree in my backyard did actually fall over a couple years ago due to rain. it was rather traumatic.]

You realize that even though Microsoft employs quite a few programmers in the Bay Area, they only work on PowerPoint.

You see a billboard that says "FPG2ASIC" and understand what it means.

You can get the updated Diamond Monster 3D drivers by just walking across the street.

The phone company installed fiber-optic cable to your home but they can't afford to light it up.

You have more bandwidth inside your home than there is in most major universities. [possibly true. dude, when the wellesley network is slow, i call my dad and ask him to look stuff up online for me.]

Your wireless LAN is interfering with your wireless phone and your home automation system.

None of the people you work with are bible thumpers. [way true... hadn't really met one till i came out here.]

You get email from a co-worker at 10:00PM ... and you are both still in the office. [has definitely happened this summer and last

You scan yardsales for back issues of "Dr. Dobbs."

Your favorite computer reseller speaks only Cantonese. [definitely know some]

Your workplace vending machines dispense "100% natural twig-bars" right next to Jolt cola and Instant Espresso mix. [well, duh. what else would you have when you're at work past dinner time and you don't wanna pay for chinese delivery?]

No one brings radios to work because they listen to RealAudio. [who the hell carries radios? there's one in my car, and everywhere else, I have internet for 104.9 streaming.]

There are more than six Z3s parked at your office during weekdays. [true at interwoven.]

The Z3s are gradually turning into SUVs. [*shudder* NEVER! not in marketing anyway :D]

You think anything slower than DSL is barbaric, but can't get it in your neighborhood [ohgod i remember when it took us months to get dsl down my fucking street because we were the first ones to move in...]

You know what DSL stands for [yup.]

You and your spouse almost come to blows deciding to hit Peet's or Starbucks [my mother and i do.]

You think that American food includes sushi, naan, pho, pesto and pad thai. [well, it DOES.]

You met your neighbors once [true. i can name TWO of the people who live in the NINE houses on my street.]

When asked about your commute you answer in time, not distance [well. yeah. as in, i'm an hour's drive from boston, or i live 45 minutes south of san francisco.]

Even though you work 80 hours per week on a computer, for relaxation you read your email and peruse eBay [hehe]

You have worked at the same job for a year and people call you an 'old-timer'

The T-shirts you value most were for products that never made it to market [YES!!!]

You can name four different programming languages and you are not a programmer [i think i KNOW about four different languages, as in I can use them well... ohh the joy of having two programmer parents and going to challenger and harker.]

You remember the names of the three closest cheap sushi joints, the location of all the Fry's in the area and which companies your friends work for that are going public in the next year, but don't know the name of the mayor [oh god, i just realized this is true... and please. i know the names of each waitress at each of the sushi joints closest to my house, my work, my dad's work, and most of my friends' houses.]

Standing in line at Starbucks you wonder why the employees don't call a head hunter.

You work 6 miles from your home and spend two hours a day commuting and $40 a week on gas. [well, duh.]

Winter is when your lawn grows too fast and summer is when it dies [YES! AND PEOPLE HERE DON'T GET THAT!]

The median price of a house is $500,000...for 1200 sq. ft. with no yard because it's a town house [and that actually sounds like a deal i would forward to my parents...]

You live on some of the richest farm land in the world but most of what you eat comes from South America on a boat [wait, silicon valley counts as farmland?]

Your best friend lives across town but you hardly ever see each other because after your commute you're too pooped to spend another hour driving to their home [disturbingly true. one of the things i liked about working at new bridges was that pri's house was right on my way from work.]

You have a master's degree in engineering but half the people in your department either didn't go to college or have history degrees, except if you have a master's from Stanford, in which case everyone in your department has a master's degree from Stanford [please. most people i know are either college dropouts or berkeley grads.]

You cringe when you see people in suits at your office, wondering if someone in management will make you stop wearing bunny slippers [god, i cringed when my VP came into work CARRYING a black suit jacket once... and i did not consider that to be a casual office at all.]

You plan your vacation so that you don't have to drive back from the airport in commute hours [okay... i absolutely plan my flight schedules around commute hours and carpool lane hours for BOTH boston and home. as in, i write out who would pick me up from the airport, which freeway they'd need to take, and which way the traffic would go. and i NEVER considered that strange up until now.]

You don't go to sporting events unless you are given tickets by your employer [true, except sharks games, and earthquakes once.]

You could sell your home and live like a king in 99% of the rest of the world, but don't because it would be difficult to move back. [well.... duh. and my parents and i have discussed this many times.]

You have at least three computers at home. [i think we have three sitting in my dad's closet ALONE.]

You own at least one domain on the Internet, probably several. [check]

You think it's normal to see chip-design software or relational databases advertised on freeway billboards. [well... yeah.]

You know that California isn't just one big beach. [yeah. there's skiing too...]

You know that not everyone in California surfs.

You know there's lots of skiing in California.

You know your rotating outage block number at home and at work, and listen for them whenever there are rolling blackouts. [oh GOD i remember this...]

If someone refers to "SunnytogaDeAnzavale Road", you laugh and know what they're talking about. [LOL. and I do.]

You watch dot-com boomers go back to the states they came from, and the traffic gets better by the month. But you are home so you're not moving. [i love how the 280 traffic got so much lighter over the two years that i was driving myself to/from high school at odd hours of the day...]

You own a Sport Utility Vehicle and have never taken it off-road. You wouldn't know what to do if you tried. Same with all your friends. [ha. i laught at SUV people.]

You don't know how to drive in snow. You're a road hazard when you visit the mountains. [i can do mountains. i can't do snow AT ALL.]

You think the horn and middle finger are essential driving tools. [yes, so i fit in well in boston.]

You think bicycles don't belong on the road.

You think any car ahead of you doesn't belong on the road. [only if they're doing under 90...]

Your out-of-state friends are impressed at how much money you make... until you tell them how much you pay for housing. [hehe... so true.]

You know that a "fixer-upper" home could cost a half-million dollars.[and, if given the exact block, you could say whether or not that's a good deal.]

You do a "California stop" at stop signs. And you think it's only Californians who call them that. [yeah, apparently, people here don't know what a cali stop is. it's amusing...]

You aren't bothered much by earthquakes because you're ready for them. But the thought of tornadoes and hurricanes terrifies you.

You clearly remember where you were when the Loma Prieta quake hit.

You know several funny stories about swimming pools in the quake.

You can't recognize a thunderstorm without seeing lightning first.

You cringe when a Southern Californian refers to highways like "the 101". It's just "101". No "the". [duh. i cringe when prin starts adding "the". you can't add "the". you can never add "the".]

You call low clouds "fog" even if they're hundreds of feet off the ground. [and then you move to new england and feel like you're going to DROWN when you walk outside.]

At least once you have gone to San Francisco for the day wearing shorts and a t-shirt because it was a warm clear day in San Jose. And you froze your little *@#!% off in the fog, drizzle and wind. [and you've bought a san francisco sweatshirt because there was no way in hell you were going to drive back home just because it was cold.]

You say you're from Silicon Valley because no one knows where San Jose is. [troo.]

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from the Bay Area. [:D]

 

Oh, my head. Oh, god, my head.

Uh, my majorly undying love to the people who consistently confiscated my alcohol throughout last night's events. Love, also, to my alarm clock for getting me out of bed this morning, and to excedrin and aleve, which have both contributed greatly to my ability to stay the fuck alive during my practice LSAT.

yeah.

mood: ow.
music: cake - short skirt, long jacket.

 

As little as one cup of coffee a day can produce caffeine addiction, researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore said.

from Yahoo! News - Yes, You Really Do Need That Coffee

 

Gah. Terrible, terrible meeting.

I do not feel good about myself at all.

:(

 

Gah. This shirt does not fit the way I want it to fit. In fact, half my shirts do not fit the way I want them to fit. I really don't want to re-shop half of my upper body wardrobe.

Can't my boobs just go away?

mood: frustrated
music: Dashboard

 

Ummm yes. So I have no memory of last night's conversation with Mike. Not that it's fuzzy-- I just have ZERO recollection of it ever occuring. I don't even remember waking up.

I wanted to shoot myself in my meetings today. All of them just made me want to lie down and die. Ditto for yesterday's training. I just wanna sleep for like a week and then do pot. I don't even have energy for clubbing... just me and pot. And its not still September... why am I not miss psycho pep squad?

mood: quite down. fuck off.
music: Justin Timberlake stuck in my head from listening to him in Kris's car. Why does Kris have the Justin Timberlake cd?

 

Um, I don't think I'm ever gonna fall asleep. But if I take Ambien now, I'll wake up, like, never, and miss presidents' training. And I already told Alex I'd go to presidents training, and she's spending a crapload on nice food. So... no Ambien.

I don't think I've had Chinese since I got here. Now, clearly I can't order Chinese at 2:19 a.m., but still.

I wasn't going to go out (I went to the mall earlier today) but then Sasha wanted to go partying... so we went into Boston and made a feeble attempt at going to Euphoria, but on the way we encountered many drunken baseball people, so we decided to stay away from Landsdowne, as *someone* was dressed like a cheap street walker from LA in an expensive shirt {*muAh*} and we ended up sitting in Trident and reading vogue over fruit cobbler a la mode.

Was having House Council issues. Chatted briefly with Jerilyn, who helped me come up with a temporary solution...

Speaking of temporary, should I just get Henna for a couple weeks and see if I like it? I'm totally chickening out of getting the ankle tattoo. Cuz... what if it looks ugly... and I'm stuck with it for, like, ever?

Okay. Four chem problems done... that's pretty good for 2 a.m. on a Saturday. Time to go stare at my ceiling from my lovely pillows some more.

mood: disconnected. can you tell?
music: Tori - Winter

 

So, the flipflop platforms are officially dead. After consultation with my mom, I decided that if I throw them out now, I'll have more closet space and less guilt when I buy another pair.

Speaking of buying... I need more skirts. Short, skanky-cute. Like, before it gets hellishly cold. Anyone wanna go shopping with me?

 

*sigh*

So my grandmother is going into chemo as soon as she gets out of the ICU.

I just had a huge crying fit on my way to chem because my shoe broke. I'm stupid and shallow and selfish, but I don't know how I can focuz on anything here at school when everything is so wrong at home.

mood: music
music: Perfect - Simple Plan

 

I am ridiculously nervous about House Council tonight. Like, I just went out and bought twenty bucks worth of sweets. If they don't like me, I'll just feed 'em to death.

More so, though, I'm worried about academic stuff and whatnot. I'm seriously worried about the Wellesley in Washington application, because I really need to work on it. Soon. I need an essay topic, I need an essay, I need to do the bloody app, I need to update my resume, and I need references. And I don't know whom to ask to do my second reference, because sadly, I'm not too close with that many profs.

Omg, major epiphany. I could SO ask Kim to do a reference for me. I can't imagine working so closely with anyone as I've worked with Kim-- she's truly seen me at my best and my worst over the past year, possibly closer than many of my friends have seen me... Ohhh yes yes yes. Only concerned that she may not be sufficiently... I dunno. Like, she's mostly seen me character-wise, when I sit around in my sweatpants and get determined to change the world. She hasn't seen me write brilliant essays or wear a suit. Well, actually, she's probably seen me do both... hmm. This is interesting.

Anywya, *that* sudden blurb of brain activity aside... I need to do my resume, and I don't want to. I don't know what to do my essay on. And I really, really don't know how to keep afloat of all my academics. And I'm SO far behind on pre-law society stuff... this is going to be HELL when I start the LSAT class. Probably a good thing I've taken it before, but I'm gonna need to be much more intense this semester, actually doing the work. Okay, can't start worrying about that. I'm not enrolled in it yet, so I can't start worrying about it.

*sigh* okay. Will work on resume now. then House Council. Then will finish chem reading. Then will SLEEP because I woke up like six times last night, and this was way tragic as I was totally migrained-out halfway through chem lab.

Okay. I feel better now that I've vented.

mood: nerve-wrecked.
music: Killers. It's good resume music.

 

I just want to say *MUAH* thanks so much to everyone who listened to my seriously pissed off angry ranting today. I *heart* you all =)

mood: stressed as fuck
music: chem ate my soul and my ears.

 

OH MY FUCKING GOD. Open letter to the fucking *bastard* of the day.

I am angry beyond all reason. What planet did you even come from? Where did you grow up? When I met you, you held doors and lent me your jacket and called me an hour after a dinner date to make sure I had gotten home safely. Do you seriously fucking believe that your behavior is in any fucking way appropriate?

Gah. Furious. Fucking outrageously insanely furious.

GAH!

 

omfgiamsotired.

Res Staff meeting ran for, like, an hour and a half today. I'm not even kidding. And one of the RA's wasn't there. And it's really cold. And my RD isn't going to be there for my first House Council this week. And I'm nervous about my first House Council. And I don't like the fact that we're dealing with so many residential issues, between what happened last weekend and all the eating disorders and roommate issues and whatnot. Isn't Mac supposed to be the quiet dorm? Huh? Huh?

Okay, on the *calm* side of life.... I tried out my new medication last night when I woke up at three in the morning with the panic attack from hell. And the new med made it go away! It was, like, the happiest thing ever. Well, not really, because it was still a yucky panic attack from hell, but I totally conked out like 20 minutes later. So yay.

Oh, but FUCK fire alarms. The alarm in this dorm doesn't even sound like a fire alarm-- sounds more like a car alarm somewhere far away. Mmm the walls here are so thick it's lovely. It's not lovely, however, when you suddenly realize that it is a fucking fire alarm and you end up standing outside for, like, EVER.

ugh. Back to chem.

mood: annoyed. the to-do list is getting WAY too long.
music: semisonic - chemistry

 

 

 

Good: Had lovely dinner with the HPs last night
Bad: The other HP's seem to be a lot more on top of things than I am. Like, they seem to actually know the people on their halls.
Good: I did do a good fifteen minutes of bonding time with some of my first years today.
Bad: Both were already on house council... I don't have anywhere near a full HC.
Good: Neither does anyone else
Bad: I didn't get trashed tonight.
Good: I did have Starbucks.
Bad: Now I can't fall asleep.
Good: One of my Xmas light strings works.
Bad: The other string doesn't.
Good: I read a hundred pages of poli sci today.

*sigh* such are the ups and downs of life...

And, firsts and lasts, as of last night, when I filled this out before trashing myself into oblivion and didn't get around to posting it:
[Last car ride]: Sarah's car from Pom ;; half an hour ago
[Last magazine you read]: Vogue ;; a few nights ago
[Last card game played]: *shrug*
[Last alcoholic beverage drank]: an accidental glass of vodka ;; like Tuesday morning
[Last workout]: Jog around the lake ;; this morning
[Last kiss]: Tower Court ;; last week
[Last library book checked out]: Allende ;; August... I hope my dad returned it...
[Last beverage drank]: water ;; right now
[Last food consumed]: brownies ;; an hour or two ago
[Last phone call]: Matt ;; around lunch
[Last time showered]: this morning
[Last CD played]: Killers ;; this afternoon
[Last annoyance]: everything in life ;; Sarah's car
[Last ice cream eaten]: vanilla/chocolate ;; Monday night
[Last shirt worn]: biege tank top my sister-in-law got me ;; right now

[First job]: Beth Am ;; 1998
[First screen name]: ester47 ;; 1998
[First funeral]: my grandmother (mom's aunt) ;; 1995
[First pet]: never had one
[First piercing/tattoo]: ears ;; 1994? Maybe 95
[First credit card]: Shell mastercard ;; 2000
[First Kiss]: a boy on a boat ;; 1998
[First true love]: 2001
[First enemy]: *shrug*
[First big trip]: to America, 1992
[First fist fight]: hmmm I punched someone last winter, does that count?
[First room color]: it's always been white
[First crush]: a girl with really long hair ;; 1992
[First time drunk]: really don't remember
[First grade teacher]: Mrs. Wolfe ;; 1992.


mood: down-ish
music: 104.9 online

 

Gah. Following morning's Rosh Hashanah services, feel somewhat depressed... Actually, v. depressed. Doing aaliyah for the first time in years was definitely a positive and moving experience-- coming up in the tallit, standing by as Torah was read. There were parts of the services, between last night and this morning, when I felt strongly religious.

And then there were parts when I was one of three or four people actually singing the prayers-- the same prayers that I've always sung with the entirety of Flint Center backing me up, blowing me off my feet with the religious and spiritual zeal of my congregation. There were parts where the service was so blatantly amateur (the Torah not being on the right place; the Rabbi sounding like this was her first or second time trying the shofar; skipping the Haftorah portion), and I know it's arrogant of me to call it amateur-- it is, after all, my Hillel-- but it doesn't do it for me. I chose my Poli Sci class over the Tashlich service because frankly, Professor Johnson tends to inspire me more than this morning's service did. It wasn't just the mistakes -- I just felt so little religion in the room.

My parents offered to fly me home for Yom Kippur. This would require leaving Thursday night or Friday morning (potentially missing an econ class) and coming back on Sunday night or Monday morning. This would be incredibly bratty of me, because I definitely pride myself on being a good strong girl who doesn't go home whenever she's homesick (and I wasn't even homesick until this morning)... and also because then I'd be the spoiled brat who goes home to fucking Cali (which, on a week's notice, is at least a $400 round trip). It could do miracles for my mental/spiritual health. It could also be really, really bad. *sigh* can't decide if I should go home or not...

mood: down
music: Killers - Mr. Brightside

 

So I went to the Phi Sig tea.

Whether or not I'm a society girl is, of course, up for debate, but if I were a society girl, I would be a Phi Sig girl. I really like the girls that I talked to, and I like the fact that Phi Sig seems to be less about having long blond hair and wearing tight jeans-- the girls seem pretty laid back, and the people I've known for a while definitely know how to have a good time. I felt pretty shy and out of place at first, with that forced mingling atmosphere and this couple of overenthusiastic first years looking slutty-sorority-girl-like, but then I started chatting with some girls I had classes with, and then we had a lovely trivia game *at which we kicked ass*

I ran into this girl who went to Saratoga. I was talking to Lindsey, and I heard someone blurt out "OH MY GOD HARKER!" so I turned around and there was this girl who looked *barely* familiar. Like, I might have seen her at a party once or something. So we started talking and it turns out that she was on Saratoga's mock trial team and competed against us at some point in my senior year of high school. And then she was like, "Yeah, I remember you, and I remember thinking that your boyfriend was soooo cute!" And I was like, "heh... okay..." trying to figure out if I was dating anyone then. Winter of senior year... my boyfriend was in Jersey. I wonder who she thought was my boyfriend. I decided not to ask... ahhh high school.

So, if I tea anywhere, it'll be Phi Sig... but I feel like applying for a social scene and then paying to be a part of it is really a cop out. It would be a lot smarter for me to just get more involved with Hillel and WLBTF, but this would actually require time and energy and commitment, where as a society would give me social events at least once a week. Clearly this will require more thought. Wasn't I going to be reclusive and nerdy this semester? I've only been here a couple weeks and I'm already lonely.

mood: melancholy.moody.lonely.
music: Chris Isaak - Wicked Games

 

Back from a long-ass res staff meeting. Of course, I can't really discuss it too much cuz it's all confidentiality bullshit, which means I don't really get to talk to anyone about how much it scares me, but apparently, last night was a good deal sketchier than I had originally called it.... *sigh*

mood: lonely and kinda wanting a hug. Does anyone wanna schlep over to Mac and give me a hug?
music: Verve Pipe - Freshmen

 

dear diary,
today I fell in love with a Derek Lam coat
that costs just under half of my savings account.

Realized that this is why I read Vogue only during my train rides to San Francisco: On all those tiny streets around Union Square, I can find absolutely any fashion item for a [more or less] reasonable price. Clearly, I must now do one of two things: Move back to SF, or become rich and famous. I'm shooting for the rich/famous.

In the meantime, Tower Court was not that sketchy-- at least it didn't seem like it. Perhaps this is because I was rather tipsy; perhaps it was because I was with one guy the entire time, so I wasn't subjected to the sleazy frat boys. And my preparty (I'm still not entirely sure how I got myself into hosting one) was not utterly disastrous even though my RA ended up being on the floor and the boys around whom the party was supposed to be centered did not show up. So... a huge YAY for Cosmo and Absolut and Kate seeming stoned because she was paranoid and Caroline being an absolutely darling drunk.

Caroline: "I NEED MORE ALCOHOL"
Jen: "Dude, look at [the Babson first year], compared to you, she's like a third world country."
Me: "Hun, Caroline's a republican..."
Caroline: "I don't give a fuck about third-world countries, they should work twenty hours a day as long as they make my Prada bags good... ALCOHOL DAMMIT!"

I love my friends. They clearly share my values and priorities :)

mood: tired and stomach-achy. I think this is a sign that I need to stop consuming alcohol... yeah. right.
music: Yellowcard - Ocean Avenue